Gettin' Personal or - Don't open your mouth!

The main topic today is *drum-roll* growing a backbone and telling the truth! Be who you want to be!*

*This statement is lovely unless you are bereft of morals. In which case, behave and close your account with Murdering Monthly or the Muggers Times. 

Let me set a little background, I have been working for the same company for ten years now. Ten years in which I have moved department many times. I have found myself in a department that I enjoy working in and feel comfortable. (We'll get onto the subject of comfortable another time).

However I have some stress / anxiety issues that I have been dealing with for a very long time. What with the recent purchase of my first home with my partner, stress levels have at times gone through the roof. One such event happened about two months ago, I found myself really doubting everything. My life path. My job. My big mistake (perhaps) happened so fast that I barely even noticed it. It came out of the blue. After years of using the tried and tested method of stating, when asked how I am that I am fine, I suddenly CHANGED THE ENTIRE WORLD. Here is a brief transcript of the moment:

Managery type person: Are you alright, you don't seem your usual self recently?

Myself: No. No I am not okay. In fact I didn't even want to come in to work today. Or this week. In fact I wish I had been clamped to my bed by a masked stranger.

Okay, the clamps I made up. But still, that one statement was astonishing to me. I had admitted that I was not okay. This is not something one says in a large business. You just don't. 

What followed was strange. My own line manger found out this information within hours and asked me the time old question. Reverting to my usual stance, I replied that I was fine. Okay. Spiffing. Tip-top. I then received the disappointed look of the lied-to. Into the office we go.

Splurge.

The entire contents of my brain are flung out of my physical body and splatted around the small office space until there is nothing left. Every tiny weenie little grievance comes shooting out at speed. My disdain at the practises of others.

I did feel better after this. What an odd feeling. I had a few weeks of tentative 'are you okay?'s.

Then the inevitable happened. I was offered a transfer to a different department that I really didn't want to work on - the idea being I could try something else. Even though I was really getting on my feet and learning to calm the hell down. In my infinite wisdom I followed the usual track of saying everything I should. Making it seem I was pleased. Blah. It was only later that evening that I crumbled into a million pieces only to be rearranged as a gibbering wreck that could not eat or concentrate on even the most basic of tasks. 

At this point I finally decide enough is enough and that is time to put a thought I have been having for a while into motion. 

The point of this blog (Yes, we've only just reached it. I shall try to be brief!)

Okay so this is what I wanted to blog about today. 

As I have grown older and  little bit wiser I have finally realised something that in essence is very simple. I am to some degree in control of my life. A friend of mine was blogging something similar this week which prompted me to share this little tale and express my own personal views on the matter of, well, life.

The notion of being in control seems so simple and yet people of all ages, even some who are much older than I, seem to be completely enslaved by the system. My own personal realisation came from anxiety and stress. I got to a point where not being in control just seemed ridiculous, how could I allow something in my control wreck my life? My choice was simple. Stupidly so but incredibly hard to follow a lot of the time:

If you don't agree with it or it will make you unhappy and you have a choice, don't do it.

If you don't have a choice right now then don't worry about it. Try to change it as soon as you can.

And the best piece of advice (thank you to the Dalai Lama for this one): 

Ask this one question; "Will it bring me happiness?". (There is a lot more to this than the statement suggests. I really recommend reading some Buddhist teachings if you are unfamiliar - a basic intro book would do, just to get an idea and learn something new.)

Whoa. I know. It's all very new age. But then so am I. So I sort of get it. I'm still in the system and to some extent I must follow it's rules. Money must be made being the rule. MONEY MUST BE MADE. Say it like that and it encompasses the whole lot. The reason we are treated the way we are, paid what we are, given holiday as we are.

Back to my tale then...

I was offered the position in the department I didn't want to work in. I do like my department and considering I plan on making a new path in the future and am also going through a mortgage / house buying period, I do want to stay settled there. Life right now is all about the home. The partner. The discovery of new loves and activities. Pursuing dreams. Arts and Crafts. Gardening.

I went into that office and after stalling for a few moments managed to tell the truth and reveal myself to my manager. I get very anxious, it ruins entire days even weeks of my life. It's not worth it. The offer to go and co-manage a struggling department is not on my list of priorities or wants. 

I opened up about past anxiety issues. How I have discovered ways to improve my life to benefit me. 

And the response was surprisingly positive. I was understood. I certainly don't for a moment think that this would happen everywhere, I know that to be true. But it was a massive moment for me and it seemed a good subject for a blog. Maybe someone, somewhere will do the same. Pluck up the courage to speak out.

And finally...

Okay that seemed like a huge anti-climax. The whole thing could have been: I learnt not to do what I don't want to do. Just don't do it! The End. I suppose I wanted to elaborate a bit and leave a dirty great blog on the internet which will haunt me forever when applying for jobs.

And for that reason I shamefully shall write:

I have written this as a little taster of  personal experience. I enjoy my job as it is and am commenting on my own personal journey and in no way am expressing opinions about the business itself (please re-read if you think so). I have not intentionally given away information on where I work, not even described the job role I am currently in. If you are a future employer then you will probably know I'm opinionated anyway and away with the faeries most days. 

Hope this made some sense, I'm still new to the blogging idea and as yet do not make notes before typing. This flows from my brain, through my finger tips and into your eyes.

On that image, good day to you.

Ta.